If you are in a close relationship with someone, you need their attention. It isn’t clingy or needy to want the one you love to notice you and tune in. Still, it can appear that way if you and your partner lose the ability to read each other's bids for attention clearly or fully.
Paying healthy attention to each other is a sign of a healthy relationship. Routinely making bids for your partner’s attention is a sign of comfort and compatibility. Doing so implies an expectation of response and mutual vulnerability. Responding to each other’s needs, great and small, is crucial and completely normal.
Essentially, you’re saying to your partner, “I need your attention now.” What is the ideal response from your partner? “You matter to me and are worthy of my attention. I am here for you.”
Now. Let’s consider how you and your partner can make that happen.
What You Need to Know About Bids for Attention and Connection
All close relationships include bids for attention. Intimate relationships require them to thrive. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman have done the research to back this up. They found that the rate at which couples stayed together or separated was predictable based on how often they responded to each other’s bids for attention.
The Gottmans reported that couples that stayed together responded to each other more than 85 percent of the time. Couples who did not stay together responded to each other’s bids only 33 percent of the time.
Interestingly, the research did not indicate that successful partners were always sunshine and positivity when they responded to each other’s bids. It just showed that they routinely responded intentionally to the connection their partner was seeking. Thus, the accumulated good faith and trust built between them over time allowed for the occasional bad attitude or lack of enthusiasm.
This flexibility and confidence in each other is an important benefit of being able to recognize and respond quickly to your partner’s bids daily.
Now consider your own relationship. How often do you think you notice and respond to your partner’s bid for your attention? Does your partner respond to you? Do you think there might be room to grow? If so, it may be helpful to learn more about the ways couples seek connection and learn how to notice and respond to the one you love most.
Recognizing Bids for Attention & Choosing How to Respond
Practically speaking, a bid for attention is any action, great or small, that you direct towards your partner. You simply communicate that you want to connect. This can happen verbally or non-verbally.
Verbal bids include but aren’t limited to any one of the following:
A bid for recognition: “Come see what I did while you were away!”
A bid to engage: “Why don’t we plan a weekend away?”
A bid for deep conversation: “How did your visit with your mom go this morning?”
A bid for news or disclosure: “What happened at work today?”
A bid for support: “I really don’t know how to approach this project.”
Non-verbal bids might include:
A bid for play: tackling or tickling your partner.
A bid for touch: reaching for your partner’s hand, hugging, brushing against your partner.
There are myriad ways you and your partner might signal a need to come together. How safe you feel in your relationship to make a bid is deeply linked to the quality of the attention you and your partner pay each other. Little things like those listed, done frequently, and responded to with intention, shower positivity and hope on your relationship.
Conversely, failing to seek each other out sows doubt about your connection. Refusing to respond to each other’s bids for time and affection is a recipe for loneliness. Not prioritizing emotional connection can lead to frustration, resentment, and separation. In that state, even the most committed relationship, will feel unsafe and unsatisfying.
Most of all, bids for attention are so vital in your relationship because they ask ”Are we okay?” Repeatedly turning towards each other with presence, warmth, and compassion reassures you both that the answer is a solid “yes.”
What to Do if Bids for Attention Need More Attention in Your Relationship
Don’t be discouraged if you realize that attention is not a strong point between you and your partner. All is not lost. The mere fact that you are paying attention now is a very good thing. The goal is to commit to change. Instead of turning away or ignoring each other’s bids for attention, consider the support of a couple’s therapist.
Learning how to turn toward your partner and make your own healthy bids for attention are key to building and maintaining the strong connection you want. Therapy can help you both reach out and respond with clarity, compassion, patience, and consideration. Soon, you will find that bids for attention are not needy or demanding. Instead, healthy attention will feel mutually edifying and benefit the whole relationship.
If you’re ready to learn more, I’m here to help. Let’s get started soon. Please read more about couples counseling and reach out for a consultation today. Ffel free to call (805) 374- 1770 or email me at Linda@lindafisherman.com for compassionate care and support.