How do you feel when you know you need to talk to your partner about something not-so-pleasant? Is it worse when you know the topic might be construed as negative or critical?
Communicating effectively and productively with your partner isn’t always a smooth process. And, no matter how amazing you are together, providing each other with difficult feedback can feel like a minefield.
Fortunately, there are communication skills that can help ease feedback anxiety and prevent unintentional disconnection. Consider the following tips for talking through sensitive topics in ways that support your relationship and promote emotional safety.
7 Tips for Sharing Constructive Feedback with the One You Love
1. Surrender the Need to Be Right
Before you ask to talk to your partner, put yourself in a solution-focused frame of mind. You’ll do well to remind yourself that your solution is not the only solution. Keeping an open mind and a teamwork mindset is the best way to share your thoughts and productively embrace your partner’s response.
2. Don’t Rush, Cram, or Force the Conversation
To soften the sting of your constructive feedback, also consider your timing. No one appreciates being backed into a corner or bullied. Do your best not to do either by failing to consult them for the best time to talk, committing to the time it takes to communicate well, and hearing them out completely. Suggest a time when you’re both rested, well-fed, and ready to engage meaningfully.
3. Avoid Picking Apart Your Partner’s Character
It’s always a good idea to start a tough conversation gently, moving forward with affirming words and body language that communicates connection. Try not to put your partner on the defensive by listing their issues. Your partner’s entire personality or point of view is not the problem. Peppering them with “you-statements” (“you keep interrupting me while I work” or “you don’t help around the house”) is a surefire way to throw up communication roadblocks. Worse, this is likely to spark an argument rather than a chance to be heard or encourage mutual understanding.
4. Share Your Own Feelings with Constructive Feedback
Basically, the aim is to continue sending the message that, despite your concerns, your feelings are your own. By embracing I-statements, you express yourself without assuming anything about your partner’s intentions or character. Simply sharing how their negative behavior affects you is enough.
For example, instead of saying that your partner continues to let you down regarding household chores, address your partner’s lack of household support by sharing your emotions. Then, gently offer an idea for that support. You might say, “I feel swamped with all the chores. Would you help me by doing a few loads of laundry?”
5. Resist Replacing Constructive Feedback with Past Problems
Even if you think a past issue is related to your feedback, try not to bring up “that time last year.” Stay present. If you drift in time, your partner is likely to feel like your constructive feedback is really just a way to air grudges and complaints.
6. Commit to Share, Collaborate and Move On.
Just as you don’t want to bring up the past, you want to let your partner know that when you’ve worked through the current issue, the matter is over and done. The idea is to completely communicate and clearly resolve bothersome issues in a way that is mutually beneficial and considerate.
7. Keep Feedback Fair & Balanced
Constructive feedback attempts to share what works as well as what doesn’t. Remember that compliments and communication build goodwill daily. This helps buffer your relationship during difficult conversations and reduces the chance your partner will consider constructive feedback as a personal attack. When you routinely provide your partner with appreciation and positive feedback, you are more likely to have their ear when you must share negative information.
Take the Next Step
Healthy, productive communication is a crucial part of your partnership. Handling differences of opinion and disagreements often comes with difficult conversations but you can both rise to the occasion.
If you’re ready for experienced support and communication tools, I’m here to help. Please read more about couples counseling and reach out for a consultation today.